Tried to save someone’s life.

I work in Security Forces and been in for 8 years now. I love my career and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. (Crazy. I know.) it’s mainly because I’m a CATM instructor now so my job is honestly pretty chill. Back when I worked base patrol, I went to a lot of domestics, suicides, car accident resulting in death, overdoses etc… However, there is one incident I went to that still hangs over my head to this day and I’m too scared to talk to my leadership or mental health because I don’t want to end my career over it.

I was on patrol and witnessed a motorcycle accident. Motorcycle was driving over 100 mph and slammed into the side of a vehicle making a turn. Of course since I saw it, I was also first on scene. The person on the bike was bleeding profusely from the head from the impact even though he was wearing a helmet. I immediately rendered SABC (Self Aid Buddy Care) based on my level of medical training. I conducted chest compressions and did what I could to keep him from drowning from his own blood. I ended up losing his pulse and he died on me. Fire and medical arrived what seemed like 20 mins later when really it was just 5 mins. He was transported to a trauma center and declared dead on arrival there. I remember the crash scene smelled like gasoline. Every time I fuel my car and I get a scent of gasoline, it always triggers that moment for me. I’ll never forget the amount of blood on my hands and having to wash them with my water bottle.

I feel like I’m the reason he didn’t make it. Even though I followed my training, I still feel like I somehow could’ve done more. I am not suicidal because of this. I just want to make that clear. However, I am torn if I should talk to someone at mental health or not. I’m just scared that it could put my career in jeopardy.