ASD will kill my marriage

My husband called me ungrateful. I tell him I’m grateful every few days and I love him multiple times a day. I asked him “how can I show it then?” Since he was looking for actions rather than words. He said by giving him slack. Very frustrating since I feel I do give him slack. I let him sleep in because he’s got insomnia and depression so I just watch the kid on my own for 3-5 hours, he says some real rude shit when he’s upset at me and I’ve learned to not engage because it isn’t productive. The argument came about because he refuses to communicate things that are bugging him in the moment. He waits til all is said and done and then he’ll list what I do wrong “forgot to do the thing you said we’d do” I’m sorry I have 100 things on my mind and a bad short term memory. It doesn’t hurt to say ‘what about the board game?’ But he doesn’t. If he did I’d go “oh yeah!” And then play it. But he doesn’t give me the chance. “didn’t want to go to that store even though I wanted to” he never expressed that he wanted to go. He phrased it exactly like this in the moment: “do YOU want to walk around?” (we’re at a plaza after a movie) and I said no. If I knew he wanted to it would’ve been different. His reasoning is that when I push through something I don’t want to do I’ll have a bad time. Which is true. That’s why I don’t do that anymore since educating myself on meltdowns. I’m an adult, I know my limits, and I know him and feel secure enough with him to express that I truly don’t want to do something even if it’s inconvenient in order to avoid a situation. He’s not giving me a chance. He says he walks on egg shells around me. That “anything can upset me”. What’s upsetting is that he’s not talking to me in the moment and expressing his needs and wants! He assumes I’ll react in certain ways without even knowing. And he’s assuming I’m giving him signals of not wanting to be together. I don’t understand. We kiss, we touch, we say I love you, I tell him I’ll keep him forever, I’ve been reading self help books, therapy, trying medications for years trying to be a better person for him (and now my kid). I’m no saint. I was drunk and mean for years until I got diagnosed in May. I did participate in the name calling and irrationality too. Got sober, medicated, in therapy. I really think things are different this time because of the sobriety. He asked “why are you trying to be someone else? Why are you changing yourself” in reference to me meditating and practicing self compassion (very hard btw). I’m blaming ASD and by proxy myself because: -short term memory -slow processing -inability to read social cues -inability to read body language -inability to pick on verbal hints and double meanings -logical thinking rather than emotional intelligence -my limits. If I pass them I get shutdowns Anyone relate?

Edit: I cannot read nor answer no more. I’ve ran out of spoons. Thank you for your advice and your stories. I’m sorry to all those who’ve been hurt by loved ones in the past. I appreciate the theories I now have to chew on. I will educate myself further and proceed with informed decision making and planning. Thank you fellow ASD women. I really shouldn’t have blamed my autism. Neither should you reader. Have a good day guys and stay safe.