My MIL is a Nightmare, Should I Call Off the Wedding?

Throwaway account because I never thought I’d contribute to this page, but here we are. Also, all names are fake.

Hi Potatoes,

I never thought I’d be posting here, but I’m at my breaking point. I’m getting married in six weeks to James (30M), who I genuinely love. He’s kind, funny, supportive—or at least he was until wedding planning turned into what feels like an extended episode of Mean Girls, with his mother, Karen (56F), playing the role of Regina George’s older, scarier, passive-aggressive cousin.

I’ve always been super non-confrontational. Like, I’m the kind of person who says, “Oh no, it’s fine!” when the waiter brings the wrong food because I don’t want to be a bother. I hate drama. I hate conflict. I’d rather swallow my feelings whole than deal with the awkwardness of an argument. But Karen is turning me into the kind of person who screams into pillows.

At first, I thought she was just the typical overbearing mother. You know, the “no one is good enough for my son” type. But this is… different. She’s not outright rude. It’s worse than that because everything she does is wrapped in this “I’m just being helpful!” package, which makes me feel crazy for even getting upset.

At my bridal shower, she stood up and gave this heartfelt speech, ending with, “I always pictured James with someone more refined, but Sara’s so… fun and casual! It really keeps things interesting.” The whole room laughed, and I sat there wondering if anyone else felt the secondhand sting.

She’s part of this little clique of family friends—think adult “cool moms” who wear matching yoga gear and drink wine like it’s a personality trait. They make me feel like an outsider at my own engagement events. I swear, it’s like I’m back in high school, trying to sit at the lunch table with girls who pretend they don’t hear me.

She gifted me a book called “The Art of Being a Good Wife.” When I awkwardly laughed, she said, “Oh, it’s just a little joke! But marriage can be challenging for women who’ve been so career-focused. Thought you’d appreciate it.” Like… what? Am I supposed to be grateful?

At a family dinner, she glanced at my plate and said, “Wow, you’re not one of those brides obsessed with crash dieting, huh? Good for you!” I didn’t even know how to respond because… was that a compliment? An insult? Both?

She once pulled me aside and said, “Planning a wedding can be overwhelming, especially if you’re not naturally organized. But you’re doing your best, and that’s what matters.” This was after I mixed up ONE vendor appointment. Like, sorry for being human?

She constantly “forgets” basic things about me. She introduces me to people like I’m an afterthought: “This is James’s fiancée… uh, Sara, right? She works… with numbers or something?” I’m a data analyst. I’ve told her this multiple times. She just doesn’t care to remember.

The worst part? James doesn’t see it. Every time I try to talk to him, he says, “That’s just how she is,” or “She doesn’t mean it like that.” He’s not a mama’s boy—he’s just blind to the subtle stuff because he’s grown up with it.

My family? They’re the “keep the peace” type. My mom literally said, “She’s probably just nervous about losing her son. Don’t take it personally.” Like, okay, but why does her anxiety have to become my emotional punching bag?

The only person who’s truly been in my corner is my maid of honor, Lena. She’s the kind of friend who would fight a bear for me. She’s witnessed Karen’s behavior firsthand and has even called her out in the most polite, cutting way imaginable—basically my hero. Shesw also has been gently trying to push me toward standing up for myself.

Now here’s the thing: I’ve seriously considered calling off the wedding. But the idea of doing that? Absolutely terrifying. Not just because I love James, but because dealing with the fallout sounds like my worst nightmare. The awkward conversations, the disappointment, the feeling of having failed—it’s enough to make me want to crawl under a blanket and never come out.

But at the same time, I’m scared of walking down that aisle with this giant pit in my stomach, knowing I ignored every red flag because I was too afraid to speak up.

So, Potatoes Am I overreacting? Is this normal “wedding stress” that everyone deals with? Or am I ignoring something that’s only going to get worse after the vows are said? I just need opinions from people who aren’t biased because I feel like I’m losing my mind here.

Edit:all the names... Whoops

Edit: Update on the situation

Got it! Here's the updated version with everything happening in one day:

UPDATE: My MIL is a Nightmare, Should I Call Off the Wedding?

Hey Potatoes, I wanted to give you an update, and things have definitely shifted in the past day. After reading through all the comments, it was clear I had to talk to James first, but I'll be honest, I needed a boost

So, before talking to James, I called my brother for his perspective. I thought he'd be on my side, but he gave me a reality check instead. He said he couldn’t believe I was seriously considering canceling the wedding over a few comments from my MIL. He told me if that was the only reason I was planning to cancel something so huge as a wedding, I needed to take a serious step back. He basically told me that no one is perfect, and relationships, especially marriage, involve compromise. He said a wedding is a huge deal, and I shouldn’t rush to make a decision over something that could be worked through.

Then, he said something that hit home: "This is how you always are. You have no opinions until the very last moment, and then you freak out when you realise how it's actually a problem and wont go away just because you don't react to it. "... I didn't realise that this was a problem but looking back...wow he was so right. And honestly? I didn’t realize I had a pattern of letting things build up until I can’t take it anymore, and then I panic. That’s something I need to work on.

After that conversation, I went straight to James. I’m terrible at confrontations and tend to get emotional, so I decided to write him a letter to get everything off my chest. I told him how hurt I was by his mom’s comments, how I felt unsupported when he didn’t take me seriously, and how worried I was about moving forward with the wedding if things didn’t change.

When we sat down after he read it, he told me how hurt he was that I jumped straight to thinking about canceling the wedding without talking to him first. He felt blindsided and like I didn’t give him a chance to be part of the conversation. Again, wow, you guys were so right about actually talking it through with him.

But he admitted that he didn’t realize how much his mom’s behavior was affecting me. He agreed that it wasn’t okay and that he shouldn’t have brushed off my feelings. At the same time, he explained how much he loves his mom and how worried he is about making things worse if he steps in too hard. Still, he promised he would back me up when I need him.

It’s clear to me now that I’ve been expecting James to handle things with his mom that I need to address myself. I can’t rely on him to fix everything. I need to step up and handle some of this on my own.

Next, we’re planning to have a private conversation with his mom. I’m not sure how much it will help, but having James there for support can only make things easier.

Thanks again, Potatoes, for all your advice. You really helped me find the courage to have these tough conversations.

And I talked to him about couple therapy.... He felt we didn't need it, but we still booked a session, just to see if it would help. I am not sure what the conversation with karen would be like, but like everyone pointed out I should deal with it first instead of imagining the worst and just supressing it. Not sure what that looks like, and even just writing this is making me hyperventilate and want to puke, but, as I have been advised so many times by you guys, that's the right thing to do.