Housofpsychoticwomn triggered my PTSD, I love it!

It’s probably my favorite on the album because of that!

I woke up at 1am on release day. Seconds right when I opened my eyes there was a loud wack at the window next to me in the room I was in. I jumped and put my head under my blanket. So that was a great start! I remembered the album and listened to it after that 😭

I had to turn it off 3 minutes into housofpsychoticwomn because it was triggering. I was experiencing PTSD symptoms before I fell asleep and this song arose those same feelings. I stayed up and eventually made my way into a closet and picked up where I stopped 2 or 3 hours later.

The song is like a sound manifestation of how I would describe how the deep pits of how my intense PTSD episodes feel like.

I was previously practicing and living at monastery for over a year of my life and left due to daily PTSD episodes. It didn’t matter if I was waking up in the early hours of Brahma Muhurta. In the temple room singing holy songs to the deities, and then chanting mantra…..none of it stopped my intense anger and episodes. I would have to run out the temple to the ashram to go take magnesium in hopes of calming the intense anger down.

I wasn’t pressured or forced by anyone in this environment (I’ve experienced it and actual abuse before though) but it’s so debilitating. Suffering in immense self hating, life hating, God hating pain even. In a Holy environment. I was doing all I was supposed to to “relieve this pain”. Chanting God’s names two hours a day, making flower garlands for the Deities, preaching, etc. Why am I hurting worse and worse? Why? Why am I getting worse? Why am I getting more and more hurt?

Hearing of the spiritual philosophy during these times was so debilitating and made the pain worse. Begging and begging to just be heard and listened to, please don’t trigger the episodes. Telling me verses while I’m in this state makes it sosososos worse.

When I had to drive to another city for Thanksgiving (leaving the temple, wasn’t sure if I was coming back or a temporary leave. But I haven’t been back since) I was able to take advantage of this time on the interstate to fully listen to Preacher’s daughter. It was the most relaxed and grounded I felt in months. I felt so validated and heard.

Housofpsychoticwomn does the same. It feels like I am heard. That I am not isolated to this experience and pain. I love you I love you I love you……but being told and hearing that I am loved by God despite experiencing reality bending and shaking pain on the daily. Episodes that made me feel like I was experiencing brain damage due to how intense and painful they were. My head under so much pressure and pain due to crying and crying and anger of my tears not being seen. To be surrounded by rehearsal of scripture of the infinite opulence, mercy, beauty, splendid personality, and more of God. Yet also the constant checking of being aware of our offenses, having vaishnava ettiequte, our IGNORANCE, the mind, the sense. It all just kept adding so much fuel to my internal fire. I feel this song conveyed tis for me.

I’ll just be complacent, trying to “tolerate” this hell I’m experiencing inside me. While I hide in the back corner of the temple room. Chanting God’s names.