questioning lesbian

i (20yr) have been questioning my sexuality for a while now even after coming out as bi when i was 15. and i feel like i keep circling back to the fact that i do hate men.

My coming out story wasn’t really to my family but more so to my peers at lunch when this girl asked everyone what percentage of straight they are, i went last and said like 90% at the time saying that no one’s 100%. belittled and un friended by her slowly i kinda just kept it to myself knowing not everyone is going to get it yk.

nowadays however, my patience is worn thin by men who do not put in effort, cheat, lie, abusive towards their partners and when the honeymoon period is over their true colours show every time, and i can’t help but think oh god is this the game we have to play for the rest of our lives???!!!! i have friends of all different backgrounds, pronouns, and sexualities but now as i’ve recently moved i’m surrounded by straight women who can’t grasp the fact that i subtly drop hints about not being sure if i want to be with men for the rest of my life.

Yes i still go on dates with them, but recently something has really clicked inside of me. i’ve never been in a relationship before and was often disgusted by wanting to see a one night stand more than once. the whole time i’m intimate with them i close my eyes, try to imagine what they are seeing, i like the fact that they are turned on by me. but i never really gain anything from it, the only guys i’ve been heartbroken by are the ones i’ve had a good friendship with first that suddenly turned into something more romantic. anything else i feel nothing towards. but the thing is with women it is really hard to date them, they ghost, don’t text back, never make plans, and often we have nothing in common. i’m yet to meet someone where we share a bond and put in as much effort as i do, and feel like i’m kind of put in a masculine role which i do not like. what are the queer dating roles like???

it feels quite frustrating because even though i think i don’t need or want the validation from men all the people around me feels like i’m kind of pressured to find that man that’ll change my perspective on how i see them. and as the days go by i’m just kind of more icked out by how they dress, how they act, how they think, how they post. most of the time i find it hard to hold eye contact with them. i don’t know if it’s just rape trauma that makes me hate them more and more every day or if it’s the fact that i’ve been suppressing how i feel about girls in order to kind of fit in. or maybe the fact that some of them i wanted to date started dating men that treated them awfully. and i understand that australians do not get the best dating culture but i’m so confused because i haven’t even gotten a good experience with a woman to prove those feelings right yet. im just kind of waiting for someone to feel right by, not uneasy or scared, or grossed out by like i feel with men, everytime.