First MC and feeling OK?

I found out four days ago that I am miscarrying my very first pregnancy. It’s a missed miscarriage so it was very unexpected. We heard the heartbeat at 9 weeks and loss the baby shortly after, around 10w. I’m having a D&C tomorrow

While I am definitely sad and disappointed, I’m not overwhelmingly devastated like I’m supposed to be. I’ve been reading The Miscarriage Map, and I don’t yet related to the pain and despair described in the first chapters.

Perhaps I just don’t yet understand what was truly lost. Or maybe I’m still in the logical part of my brain which tells me that this is just a step on the path to getting what I really want (my baby). Or maybe the hormone crash I have read about is still impending. Or maybe I’m still in some stage of denial. I haven’t let myself go down the negative thinking spiral trying to figure out why this happened, was it my fault, what does this mean for the future. Overall I am feeling hopeful at the moment, despite the current situation. I suspect having the D&C will bring up some feelings.

I’m feeling awkward about not being more devastated over this, and was wondering if anyone has felt similar with an early loss. Am I really going to be okay, or is the inevitable despair going to hit me like a ton of bricks at some point?

We got pregnant the first time we tried and I feel like that is giving me a solid line of hope. If this happens again, I don’t think I’ll be able to control my negative thoughts as well and there will be some real fears relates to our ability to conceive