Am I a serial killer??

I really really need help

Ngl this is probably a compulsion in itself, but I’m just so confused and need to hear that it’s not just me and I’m not going crazy. I have a problem with getting very angry easily and holding grudges for a long time. Sometimes I ruminate things that have happened a long time ago and it floods me with rage or like I need to do something about it. For context I do know I have harm ocd, with a focus on me becoming a serial killer. I have a boyfriend and it’s already hard enough with the relationship ocd constantly doubting if I made the right choice being with him, thinking I’m gonna cheat, or feeling this “urge” that I need to break up with him because I’ve convinced myself I don’t love him anymore, which isn’t true (I think…). IF YOURE EASILY DISTURBED DONT READ THIS PART: so last night I was mad at him for something I won’t get into here, and I almost felt like this “desperation” that I HAD to break up with him, but then I think “but I can’t I can’t break up with him then I’ll be all alone” which then leads to me thinking what if I suffocate him in his sleep and keep is corpse with me forever. Needless to say I was completely out of it for the rest of the night and could not fall asleep until 7am. It’s horrifying because it feels so real like it’s something I really wanna do, and all it’ll take is one thing to set me off and that I’m gonna lose my mind and go crazy and become the next Jeffrey dahmer. I have a long history of losing people or being bullied and it’s been very traumatic and has led to me being a bitter, paranoid, and untrusting person. Needless to say I’m very lonely, which is why i get worried that it’s too much to handle and I become an obsessive maniac who eats people to keep them from leaving. Can someone PLEASE tell me this is just OCD or is this homicidal ideation. I know it’s normal to think about killing people but is this different? Do I really want to do horrible things?? What makes it worse is when I notice I’m not so anxious or scared of it, almost like I’m catching myself secretly indulging in the thought. Is that even possible???