M25 Found my 1st love is suffering from leukemia

I broke up with her 5 years ago and now i find that she been suffering from leukemia since i was with her and all this time i have been thinking why and none of my other relationship had been good like her.i never commited to others since i thought she never saw my efforts so others would not and i would suffer again.Now i am single for a year cause of insecurity and i find that she may have left me because she dint wanna hurt me