Do you think about their euthanasia?

It's seeing him completely still.

It's thinking that I should have said something better or stroked him in a different way.

It's thinking that he didn't see me, that I was too cowardly to look at him when the vet was facing him. Did he knew I was there just by my voice and head pets?

I can't stop thinking about it.

In a way, it was a good way to go, to the sun without any more suffering. In another way, I can't stop thinking about the moment when I realised he was completely still, when he was no longer there.

I'm sorry, I'm having a really hard time. I miss him so much and I feel like my soul has been taken away too. I can't stop wondering where he is. I have so many regrets.

Edit: Thank you for all your replies. Your stories and the unconditional love you have for your pets has stayed with me and made me feel so much less alone. Sometimes I just need to shout at the universe and knowing that someone is shouting back makes me feel better.