The absolute HORROR that is stardew children: An Thesis (The Movie) - A Novel

Edit: ignore the fact that it says "an thesis. it was going to be "an essay". i am ashamed.

TL;DR: the children stand in my room at two in the morning and i am fearful

Okay, even ignoring the fact that they never age past toddlerhood, these things fill me with terror.

Imagine you're me, a new-ish player, and you've had your first pixel baby. The adoption agency apparently dropped her off in the middle of the night. Okay. That's a little weird. I wake up and go over to the crib to meet my daughter. She's asleep. My wife asks me if I've played with her yet today. I have not. I cannot. All she does is sleep. That's a bit odd. Eventually, she stops sleeping. Phew. Was getting a bit worried there. She sits up, then leaves the crib. And, all of a sudden, she's become a toddler (her final form). Aww. They grow up so fast. I give her a dinosaur hat that I got for free from my wife's stoner sister because it apparently reflected my true inner self.

I've decorated around the toddler beds. I wonder which one she's going to sleep in. I make a mental note to check when I'm coming home at night. Except, every night when I come home, she's still up. That's strange. I assume that she has a very late bedtime and move on. Eventually, I think, I will see my lovely darling pixel daughter going to sleep in her darling little pixel bed and the mystery will be solved. Unless.

It's one fifty in the goddamn morning. I'm running back from the mines, backpack full of minerals, trying to get home before I pass out and have to pay a 1000g medical bill because this is America. Like come on Harvey, I have a pixel child to provide for. These dinosaur hats don't come free. Unless your sister-in-law is a stoner. Anyway.

I trot through the door and into my bedroom. And who is it but June, my lovely darling hellspawn of a child, standing at the foot of my bed and staring directly through my soul with her beady little pixel eyes. I promptly collapse from exhaustion on the floor. I make an effort to get home earlier from then on.

A month later, my wife asks me if we should invite another one of these horrid creatures into our home. What a fool. She goes to sleep at just 10 PM. She hasn't seen what I have. She knows nothing of the horrors brought on by this dreadful bunch of pixels known as "June". Anyway, I say yes.