i’m done

i know i need to. if i ever want to feel heard, they will when im gone. i know everybody thinks im some stupid psycho girl. nobody treats me like a person. i’m just somebody they judge.

my boyfriend, friends, and family all look through me. every conversation i have is just horrible. i wish somebody wanted to listen to what i have to say. even just small things. i dream of somebody being interested in me.

oh to be held and talked to. all i ever wanted was to be loved. i just wanted to be loved the way my mom loves my sister. or the way my dad loves my brother. i wish i had somebody other than my dog. he showed me i am loved by someone.

why am i so worthless to everybody? i really tired. i tried so hard to be so nice and caring. i do everything for everyone. i always go huge on birthdays, christmas, and make sure i give special meaningful gifts. just for a chance at somebody doing the same for me. i poured my love into everything i made for them. i never wanted a gift: i just wanted them to love me the way i loved them.

i really tried. i really fucking did. i’m not just saying that in a selfish way or a stuck up way. i’m always there for all of them. and they know that- they call me or come to me with everything. i was reliable. i was there. why weren’t they??? i really did reach out and beg. i’ve begged so many times for somebody to listen.

am i really that annoying? am i just mean? am i missing something?? what did i do wrong???? why is it predetermined that im not worth your time???? i dont get it!! please explain it to me. please- i just want to know how i messed up. all i wanted was for you to care about me and not treat me like im some psycho. why didn’t you love me mom??? why was i so different from her? why didn’t you give me a chance?? i begged from birth for you to love me the same. why??? i adored you mom. you were my hero. i never spoke bad of you. i always defended you and was there for you. why didn’t you do the same?? did i hurt you???? did i just not meet your standards????? what did i do!?

why am i so unloveable?? why did nobody want to listen to me? i just want to be heard and cared about. no matter what i did i couldn’t get you to listen to me. all i wanted was for you to ask me about my day.

i can’t do this anymore. i can’t. i know i wont last. i know i need to go to ever have a chance at feeling loved. i pray that there is a god and he listens to me. i really think if i die it’s my only chance at feeling loved.

am i really that bad?? i’m sorry if i hurt anybody. i genuinely from the bottom of my heart didn’t mean to. i’m so fucking sorry. i didn’t fucking mean to. i love you and im sorry