My life story basically

I want to die so bad, and I know pretty much all of us here do, however I genuinely do not see hope in my life. As I get older my mental health just gets worse and worse. 4 years ago I started engaging in self harm and still haven’t stopped however lately I’ve gotten much worse drastically cutting from the first- second layer of skin to the 3rd (fat) aiming for worse. Maybe it makes me selfish to say I don’t want to get better, that I’ve found comfort in my own misery. When my parents found out, sure I feel guilty for bringing this on them but at the same time I feel nothing at all. I barely feel anything anymore. Nothing makes me happy anymore not even my pets and although I love them to death leaving them alone with my mother makes me realise how they’d be fine if I was gone. I hate my friends and have no energy to even speak to anyone anymore, and it’s not like I can move on and get more new friends. I genuinely can’t stand peoples presence in front of me and I don’t know why. Anyone talking about their own struggles makes me so mad, especially when they disregard it to be nothing. Just how they do with mine, I’ve been trying to get SOMEONE to notice but at the same time I don’t want them to I think I just want the comfort of knowing that THEY know somethings wrong with me. I fucking hate jokes about people saying oh you look so fat or you should kys. I seriously don’t understand the humour in that even if it is a joke, what happens when I DO act on it? Will it be a laughing matter then? Everyone and everything makes me mad and maybe that makes me a bad person. If I really was a bad person I deserve to die, which I’ve been trying to tell myself for the past 8 years of my life. I wouldn’t consider my “attempts” as actual attempts like taking a sip of fucking fertiliser 💀 taking unknown pills and chugging down a dozen, because at the end of the day I knew nothing was ACTUALLY going to happen to me, maybe I didn’t want it to. But now I selfishly beg everyday for something to kill me once and for all. My family is very religious and I have tried to search for this religious awakening or cleansing or whatever. When I prayed, selfishly yet again for my desire to die I’d beg to be taken by god. Or even beg for a sign everything will eventually be okay, however it’s been planted in my mind that I will forever burn in hell for my sins. I don’t want to die to experience more agony, I just want peace. When my homophobic family snooped through my phone and discovered text messages with my then girlfriend (I’m a girl too) they flipped, crying, praying and taking me on a trip to my home country to visit every single church and pray for forgiveness, like I was some disgusting creature. Why is love so vile to those who do not understand it? Whenever these incidents happen a part of me dies, from the first incident to now the most recent I feel more and more disconnected with this reality and an indescribable guilt for what I’m about to do next. Today, my grandma forced me to take my pants off after discovering my sh “equipment” I have never felt so disgusted in myself. Not to say I don’t love cutting myself which I do, I feel disgusted because the urge to drop dead right then was so overwhelming. When I was younger too I was a bad porn addict and again growing up in a religious house hold, anytime I would touch myself I’d be disgusted I’d be terrified to go to hell. And it was bad too, I’d do it any opportunity I’d get and I couldn’t understand it, I still don’t. I believed god wouldn’t answer my prayers because he hated me so, I hated myself. I hated myself so much I believe the guilt is the cause of my self harm. All I’ve ever felt about my life is guilt- of being alive, and disgust. I wouldn’t consider this a religious trauma, but it definitely negatively impacted my view on religion forever and now I try to believe but it’s really hard to because if god really was real, he wouldn’t put me through this bullshit. On top of all this crap I feel ugly as shit no matter what I’d do, makeup or styled hair I always am DISGUSTED by my face, body and personality. God I really hate myself. When I was in my last relationship idk if I’d even consider this assault or some shit but he would always try to engage in sexual stuff when I’d constantly tell him no. And when I bought it up he acted all shocked and stuff like who tf wants to just HOLD a vagina?? Why r u messaging my tits in the CINEMA when I was very clearly uncomfortable??😭 are you that stupid oh my god and that was my first boyfriend too, and the only reason was so I could try be “normal”and god ends up giving me a peanut brain horn ball. Like gee thanks. He would only ever mention my body and never tell me I look pretty, why is “you look so hot” the default with guys? Fuck they make me wanna commit. He made me out to be the bad person when we broke up too, made all his friends who were mine to dislike me, who knows what he said. I just hate being touched inappropriately.. is that so hard.. even my own mother can’t respect my boundaries and is always trying to grab my boobs, vagina and ass when I’ve literally yelled at her how much I hate it. I don’t know everything’s so confusing, I haven’t gone to school in 2 weeks neither left my bed, my leg hurts so bad and my eye bags have gotten so much worse, I genuinely have nothing to live for anymore I am useless like I’ve been told my whole life, a cow, good for nothing and a waste of space, fat or chubby trying to succumb to society’s standards of beauty. When I was home for 2 weeks, I’d never felt more depressed and happy at the same time I love my own sadness because I was alone, I haven’t messaged my friends in a month and I love it I wish everyone would leave me alone forever and that’s why I need to die. This is a huge ramble I’m sorry and I know u won’t really read it, but I needed to get something off my chest as irl I will never ever speak to anyone about my feelings therefore will never see a therapist 😀 I want to die so bad right now