My ex boyf called me the R word

Me and my ex-boyfriend broke up three days ago. We met in school in 2019. We maintained a relationship for almost 6-7 months, but then had to break up because of some disagreements from his mother's side, which were leading to his health issues and affecting his academics. And I was the one who stepped back at that time.

After 2-3 years, we both came in contact again, and in 2023, we started dating. It has been 2 years now that we are together in a long-distance relationship, and I totally, totally loved these 2 years. Until a few disagreements and misunderstandings began this very new year, there were certain things that I got to know that he was keeping away from me, because he was afraid that if he again shared the details of his life with me, if in future we separate ways, then I might badmouth about him to my friends, using these very details. These details included his career decisions, the female friends he had, how often he was talking to them. I literally don't have any issues with this, I'm probably the least possessive girlf, only if I was aware of their presence, which I clearly was not.

He told this to my face that I always kept these things away from him because for a long while I wasn't sure that we'll be compatible, we'll be together. So that is something that switched me off. And also he said that ever since the day we started talking, he always had this possibility of separation in his mind, ever since the day we started talking.

MAIN PART (1):
There were a few more other things which included his aggressiveness. For three or four times now, he had asked me, "what will happen if I ever raise my hand on you?" Initially, I overlooked these statements, but recently, these things just hit my head. A lot of things were going on in his family as well, instability, and various arguments that led to increase in his aggressiveness, and even these things I didn't get to know at that time. One thing that is bugging me is that, on what basis were these two years based on? What was the foundation of these? No trust, a pre-prepared head of separation.

I totally understand that he had the trauma of our past relationship, but if we are beginning on a new foot, I believe the foundation has to be strong, the foundation has to be on trust. I am not saying that he doesn't love me, he does, he does, but the calculated risks that he was taking, I wasn't even aware of.

MAIN PART(2): Two days back, we talked over call for almost five, six hours, explaining ourselves to each other, and there was this point where he broke down, not crying, but in anger, and he said a lot of things to me. He used a lot of cuss words, he even used the R word, he called me the R word. He said, I reached out to him after our first breakup, because I wasn't getting enough male attention. He said a lot of things, but where I lost it was him calling me the R word.

Some people might say that he was angry, that is why all these things came out of his mouth, but I personally believe anger does not justify shit. The things you say when you are angry are the things that you have in your head subconsciously. Him calling me this just blew me off, and I started to question, who was this guy that I was with for two long years.

It's been my fault too, I couldn't make him feel comfortable enough to get his vulnerabilities out or help him share things with me, but did I deserve this ending? I'm terrified to open my gallery or read our chats. His friend makes it look like now that I'm on a stable career, I'm leaving him.

HE STILL WANTS ME BACK BUT MY TRUST HAS BEEN BROKEN. I'm someone who'd break faces if someone calls me this but coming it from the person who I sent 2 yrs with!??? It feels like I'm running away, leaving him on his own at his lowest but I believe for my peace of mind, for my stability, I need to take this step, chahe 2nd time ke liye mai villain ban jau.

Thankyou for reading, least.