Desiring another trip someday

Let me first state, I am an active LDS member. Sort of on middle ground with my beliefs though. I took a trip back in October and it didn’t go too well. It was with some girl I know. I’m not sure if I’ll get another chance to try with her. Considering she lives over an hour away and has a boyfriend now.

Let’s just say, I don’t think either of us were smart about it. I was overly eager, and I think she wasn’t thinking things through enough. We agreed beforehand how high of a dose we wanted. But I think she gave me too much. 3 shrooms the first time? What were either of us thinking? I should have gone much slower. I took her word for it though.

Having taken cannabis gummies for a while, I thought I’d be just fine… but no, I didn’t even educate myself on the shrooms 😡

I wasn’t thinking before she showed up to my house. I took an anti anxiety pill before. I didn’t stop to think about the dangers of mixing drugs 🫤 I’m also on Wellbutrin.

You may ask, what happened? Don’t get me wrong, the beginning was wonderful. Very vibrant colors, things had more depth. Swirling shapes. I think I experienced synesthesia too. I felt overwhelmed with joy and had unstoppable smiling. But, I don’t even remember when I passed out.

Let’s just say, I somehow couldn’t speak during the trip. Probably because people kept showing up on the trail! (I can thank my mom for suggesting that place 🙄) I sorta seemed paralyzed too. It’s like I lost awareness of my body. I’m feeling anxiety just thinking back on this.

Perhaps I should have mentioned sooner, I’m a power wheelchair user. I have a progressive muscle wasting disease, Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. So as you might imagine, I’ve had a tough life. It must have just taken most of my already super weakened strength away.

So, the outcome of my lost awareness? I think I nearly fell out of my chair multiple times. I wasn’t really scared in the moment, but looking back on it is scary. I feel bad for the fear she went through. She didn’t know a thing about my wheelchair. She had to drive me back to the van, I never did know how difficult it was for her.

My trip went by way too fast and I’m bitterly disappointed about it 😢 it was supposed to be a good time out, but turned into a scary endeavor. I fear it made me feel more connected to her. Her beauty seemed magnified. Btw, she said I was taking about Jesus and kept asking if I saw Him.

I’m just dying to ever get a second chance. It’s so often on my mind. I get little panic attacks thinking back on that day. I wanted to have a possible eye opening experience without danger. The full experience is all I wanted, and it felt like a failure. I just don’t know who I could trust. I did trust her, but we didn’t take it slow enough. I’m 29, she’s 25. But inside I feel like a teenager. I don’t know what to do about this.