A Khajiit's Guide to Arranging a Daedric Orgy

A WORK BY J'ZINNYU, PART OF HIS 'KHAJIIT'S GUIDE' SERIES ON THE CARNAL ASPECTS OF TAMRIEL. PURCHASE OTHER INSTALLMENTS FROM ALL GOOD BOOK STORES! REMEMBER - IF THEY DON'T SELL IT, SEDUCE THE STORE-OWNER'S SPOUSE! THIS WILL NOT HELP MATTERS, BUT IT WILL BE VERY FUN!

Who amongst us has not at least once entertained the idea of laying with a deity, yes? Who has not had to spend a lonely night with only a statue of Dibella, or Boethra, of Hermorah for company? Who could look upon the lovingly-crafted idols and statues of the great spirits and not think to themselves "Yes, this one would hit that?"

Unfortunately for us mortals, most gods are either unwilling or unable to have such dalliance with their mortal admirers, or are far too dangerous to interact with. There is, however, one exception to this. While laying with the Prince of Debauchery is far from safe, it is nowhere near as dangerous as the alternatives, and your illustrious author has spent many long, exhausting, passionate hours learning how to ensure the safest and most enjoyable daedric ritual he is aware of.

STEP 1: Arrange for the summoning.

While it is certainly possible to summon Sanguine by oneself, such rituals are both dangerous and would draw the ire of Imperial censors if they were printed in this book. As a result, it is best to seek professional assistance. There are three options, all of which present their own issues. The first two are similar, and present similar challenges: A witch coven, and a cult of Sanguine. Both tend to be secretive, hidden, and potentially dangerous, and so are best avoided.

The third option is the safest, and easiest: a Mages' Guild Conjurer. The issue here is that most such individuals are stuffy academics who will whine and say things like "I didn't spend fifty years learning to bend reality to my will so I could help you fuck a Daedra," and "No, you cannot apply for a research grant to fund your Daedric orgy," and "Hey wait, aren't you that cat I caught in bed with my husband last week?" Close-minded, dull-clawed jekosiit who do not understand how important J'zinnyu's work is!

Thankfully, there are a few conjurers in the guild who understand this one's vision. They can be identified by their odd smell, constant mutterings about "fire resistance," and the fact that one of their arms is noticeably larger than the other. These tend to be far more open-minded towards more recreational purposes of Daedra summoning, though they still charge a high price for their services.

STEP 2: Curate the Guest List.

Sanguine is the lord of hedonistic excess, so a simple one-on-one experience is unlikely to tempt him. One must instead arrange a larger event of at least a dozen interested individuals. Make certain that everyone you invite is aware of just what kind of gathering they will be attending, and are not one of those prudish "Vigilants" who keep battering down this one's door to confiscate his collection of erotic daedra statues.

One should also be wary of inviting any khajiiti guests. While one or more of khajiit are normally an excellent addition to any sexual activity, the khajiiti interpretation of Sanguine, Sangiin the Blood-Cat, is much nastier than how he appears in other cultures. The presence of khajiit therefore represents a major health risk. If, like J'zinnyu, one is fortunate enough to *be* a khajiit, this one recommends inviting a few altmer to the ritual. The immense prudishness of Altmeri culture will act as a sort of psychic counterweight and should cause Sanguine to land in a safe middle-ground between kinky and life-threatening.

STEP 3: Procure Refreshments.

Do not worry about providing enough food, drink, and other less legal substances for all of your guests; if the summoning works, Sanguine himself will be more than willing to make sure that the event is adequately supplied. Still, it is best to have at least some such delights in order to get the party started.

One might also take this as an opportunity to enjoy certain khajiiti delicacies that are tragically frowned upon outside of Elsweyr. For this, J'zinnyu recommends his cousin's catering business headquartered in Bravil, which is both of high quality and discreet enough that legally this one does not even have a cousin. To contact them, simply write a note and leave it in your pocket as you walk around the city. When you notice that it's gone, just wait a few days for a response.

STEP 4: Have a Backup Plan.

While all of the prior steps should ensure a safe and pleasurable time, it is important to remember that the Daedra are fundamentally unpredictable. It is thus important to have a lifeline to pull you out in case things start to to go horribly wrong. This one recommends curating a friendship with someone who has no interest in Sanguine's temptations, and instructing them to extract you from the party after a few hours. This friend should be capable of lifting you and carrying you out unassisted, as it is highly likely that you will not be able to walk under your own power.

STEP 5: Enjoy.

When the event begins, simply relax and enjoy yourself, and do not feel ashamed at all; everyone else will be far too busy in their own indulgences to judge you. As for the main event, all one really must do in order to bed Sanguine himself is to simply ask. And be prepared to purchase a new bed after the one you use becomes reduced to a pile of badly-stained splinters.

If all prior steps have been followed, you should have as safe and pleasant a time as one can when one is in the vicinity of an amoral deity. There is still some danger of course, but what is life without risk, yes?

DISCLAIMER: THE AUTHOR OF THIS WORK IS NOT LIABLE FOR ANY ALCOHOLISM, SKOOMA ADDICTION, ALCOHOL POISONING, SKOOMA OVERDOSE, RUINED MARRIAGES, OR DISMEMBERMENT THAT MAY RESULT FROM ATTEMPTING TO SUMMON A DAEDRIC PRINCE FOR SEXUAL PURPOSES. IF ONE DESIRES AN EXPERIENCE OF EQUAL PLEASURE WITHOUT THE RISK, THEY ARE INVITED TO VISIT J'ZINNYU'S MANSION IN THE IMPERIAL CITY, AS THIS ONE'S DOORS ARE ALWAYS OPEN TO HIS DOTING ADMIRERS.