I froze again and I’m so angry about it.

TW: SA

About a month ago I was out with a bunch of friends on a camping trip. We were all drinking and having a good time. When I finally decided to go to bed one of my friends joined me. I have no problem sharing a bed, especially since there was more people than beds. I share all the time on these trips. But then this guy started trying to fool around. I kept saying that I wasn’t able to do anything. I was too drunk and didn’t want to do anything. But he kept going. I froze.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened in my life. I always thought I would put up a fight if it happened again, and I’m so angry about how I responded. I have known this person for a year, and never showed any interest outside of being platonic friends. He didn’t either. I feel so violated. I only told my best friend the night after because I was trying to wrap my head around it. He said that he was sorry it happened and we haven’t hung out with them since. But I feel like I can’t trust any one, or even drink around anyone. It’s been bringing up some ptsd issues I have from previous assaults, issues I spent tons of time in therapy trying to resolve.

I’ve been keeping this all bottled up because there aren’t many people I can talk to about it. The therapy options near me are almost nonexistent. The last therapist I had basically had to tell me after three appointments that she couldn’t see me any more because my problems weren’t a priority for the military (she was great and hated telling me that, but due to manning shortfalls they couldn’t keep up with the work load). I know I should go talk to the SAPR people on base, that’s where I refer people when they tell me they need to talk about these things, but I can’t seem to work up the courage to do it myself. And I hate that I feel that way. Some days I play it back in my head and question what happened. I blame myself for allowing myself to get that drunk. For allowing myself to put myself in the position. And other days I am so angry that I want to put him on blast, even if no one believes me.

I just needed to vent and get it out somewhere. This community has always been so supportive, and I’m hoping that putting the words down will help me actually get the courage to go and talk to someone.