Im tired of these boulders…

Let me start out by saying I’m 4 months postpartum and I absolutely hate my body. I’m also experiencing a lot of health issues and also have ppd and ppa. This past week I had my gallbladder removed, and now need a biopsy on my right breast (dr is pretty sure it’s non cancerous but wants to check to be sure.)

Anyways, I want to live a healthier lifestyle and lose weight because I absolutely hate what I see when I look in the mirror. My dilema though is I DONT have the ambition for it at all. Mentally, im so bogged down and I have no support team to do this with. I know I want to change but haven’t a clue where to start. Once I do start, idk if I’ll be able to follow through with it if I’m being honest.

I’m super self conscious about the size of my breasts. I’ve never been a member of the “itty bitty” community… it’s more like “big ole bitty, take up a whole city” for my entire life since puberty. I’m afraid that even loosing the weight I won’t be happy and I’ll feel the same or worse. I’m afraid the losing the weight will just make my boobs extra saggy and gross. I understand all this is so superficial, but I can’t stand it lately. I feel like an ugly troll and it’s really bothersome to me. Idk what to do. I just feel defeated in every aspect and I can’t seem to accept that I’m stuck with these giant things. I constantly have my arms over them / pushing on them to seem smaller in public because I’m so embarrassed and self conscious about them and after having a baby it got worse.