it’s impossible to make and keep friends or is there just something wrong with me

i’m not the most socially apt person ever and i am very awkward and find it hard to start conversations even if i try to. ever since i was a kid ive never had many friends, never had a group of friends and the most i’ve had is maybe one close one or two that i’d hang out with. i have one very close friend but we only see each other once or twice a year because we live in separate countries.

i graduated high school and i’ve moved to and back countries in the last 3 months and changed cities in that country twice so even if i made friends they wouldn’t be easy to maintain. i have pretty much zero friends left from school, when i was working abroad none of my coworkers my age really cared for me outside of work which is fair, but we got along well and had fun at work so it wouldn’t be unusual to want to stay friends out of work. i’ve been on a friendship dating app but everyone is so dry and the conversation never flows no matter how i try.

now i’m not in school or anything similar i have no idea how to make friends, everyone already has their own friends and social lives and im always and always have been left behind. i feel so lonely and i’ve felt so lonely for at least 4 years now. all i want is the social life of the people around me, having more than just one friend and people that care about me, being able to hang out without a plan or just have someone want to spend time with me without me having to be the one to arrange it and feel like i’m begging to hang out all the time. if it weren’t for my one good friend i would’ve spent my 18th birthday in my room feeling sad for myself like every birthday before. i’m eventually getting used to the feeling after all of these years but getting used to it doesn’t make it hurt any less whenever it really starts hitting me.

maybe i’m really bad at maintaining friendships, an ex said to me once that nobody can please me or i find a fault in everyone (talking abt my friends not themself) but i don’t think that was entirely true since one of the main reasons i don’t have friends is i would be the one trying to maintain my friendships but once i felt like it was just me trying i’d give up and the friendship would fizzle…i think i am the problem and i’ve been blaming everyone else to make myself feel better but i really just don’t know anymore.

lately i’ve been focusing more on myself and my hobbies and i’m not as miserable as i was before, i’m starting to look forward to things and after years of forcing myself to do things on my own to trick myself into thinking i like it i’ve actually started to enjoy it now. i do have my moments and it absolutely sucks and sends me into a spiral of self pity and depression but i eventually force myself out of it if i keep myself busy enough