I havent slept in weeks , i just stare at the ceeling all night and go to work.

Hi Guys,

I am usually not someone who writes about my struggles but I felt shallow today so I wanted to share it in some form.

Let me give you some context:

I am an Indian male, 26, with No Relationships and no Friends, living in London, I came here when I was 24 to work for a MNC as a Technical Consultant. I am paid the bare minimum when it comes to visa regulations, but still, it's better than my home country, due to family commitments I came in, Both my parent lost their job during COVID-19 and I have been the sole breadwinners for the past 5 years.

I was a very upbeat guy back in my hometown, had a few friends, and was close with my family. But covid both my parents lost their jobs, and I was barely a fresher so my whole paycheck just went to support my family. After 2 years of that, I was lucky to get a UK Onsite. I didn't know a lot about abroad travel and I agreed that it would help my family.

For the first 1 year, things were good, I traveled a lot around the UK, was busy with office work and things were new, even though I was alone the entire year, but in my second year, things started to get bad, I was homesick, I got a viral fever which killed my stamina, and was thinking it would be fine to go back to India since I had the experience of London. But when I discussed this with my family they got upset and said I was wasting an opportunity and started basing me to stay back and earn more.

Since then I have had this lingering sadness and it doesn't leave no matter what I do, and even though I know office colleges where they are committed to their families when I reach out to them saying I am kinda low, they just brush off and say learn the abroad life,w whatever that means.

As for earnings, don't get me wrong it is way more than what I would get back in India, but I believe London is not a great place for a job, I pay up to 30% tax with NI and HMRC, the food cost is also high and the only place I can afford is a measly ensuite room that costs 1000 pounds. I feel very cramped. When I ask my company they simply say bullshit answers like its not in their budget or its not the policy, some crap.

No, I have 2 more years to go and my family expects me to stay in London. but even if I go back to India, there is no way I can earn anything close to a good standard of living Engineers are treated like crap back there .

And forget about dating here in the UK, it's like I am at the bottom of the pool and it's better to just quit. Forget people talking let alone being ready to date someone like me. and with the recent tension with migrants her, it's not looking well.

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Now comes the main part, I am an Atheist, so I don't believe in any sort of divine comfort.

I have been thinking lately about whether the UK, INDIA and my COMPANY, do they really care about their concerned citizens/employees or if am I just to be exploited. I am a professional who doesn't earn a good wage, who doesn't have good accommodation no disposable income and barely being social.

And after thinking about all this I feel very lonely, to the point it hurts me physically. And I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep for the last few weeks. I have tried everything but I just cannot sleep. On top of all this, the weather here is also very depressing.

What I am trying to get at is I think I am trying to find meaning in my life, or stuff that makes me happy but I feel empty and hollow.

You get it and Yeah, I think I am depressed, I didn't get any prof help cuz u know can't afford 200-pound therapy sessions but at this point, I almost don't care.

Born a Male, Born in a shitty country that doesn't give a fuck abt u, and moved to another country where you are treated like the clap (Mostly due to other Indians' behavior, so I understand the hate), not financially mentally, spiritually and emotionally fulfilled, I mean what is the point of existing here.

It's like everyone saying you are scum and there is nothing you can do about it.

I don't care about all the geopolitics, religion, and other stuff, I just wanna lead my life in peace, but I guess there is no hope.

As you may not know if you are an Indian male, you are expected to take care of the family for eternity but must expect no support back cuz then you have disappointed your parents. I am starting to think the entire Indian people's mindset when it comes to life, civil discipline, and the relationship could just eff off.

I also work in a huge MNC environment where my colleagues are Brits who earn like 5x 10x my salary, but I get paid less because I am on a work visa. Now I don't much care about money per see, but when you are talking to them and they talk about these vacations and plans, but you are thinking if dinner would break the bank hurts, I had to cancel plans, and no just straight up avoid socializing in office cuz they don't wanna vibe with me anymore.

I fear that for the past 1-2 days I have not felt anything, no emotion, it's like grayscale, I work, eat, sleep, and repeat.

I don't enjoy the music I once used to enjoy, lost all motivation at work, and am generally tired due to sleeplessness. I don't know why life is like this for someone like me. Is it my birth, is it where I grew up, my family or is it just me, I am not sure. But I pretty much gave up on life.

Don't worry I am not a self-harm kinda guy, but the burnout is so high that I gave up all interactions, I worked, ate, lay in bed, and did the same thing again.

And I guess there is no more hope

well if you are a parent and you have kids, effing plan your finances and goals before you have them, especially if you are in India, this burden of expecting your children to take care of you and putting pressure to earn, get married and all the crap is just bad parenting and a bad person attitude.
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Wanted to share this somewhere before I go insane.