28 no license

I used to be excited about getting a license when I was a kid. Of course influenced by playing so much Mario kart. I ended up in a car accident when I was 10, the driver was drinking and no one was hurt but the entire car was completely damaged.

When I got to 17 I preferred that my older brother (19 years old) got his license and I wouldn't say we were poor but I knew my parents couldn't afford both of our lessons. When I got to 19 I started earning but every time I thought about practically driving I felt fearful. I even to this day hate sitting in the passenger seat. When I was 24 I decided it's time to learn. I started learning the theory test, booked a lesson on but a few days before there was a car accident. A pedestrian wasn't watching the road. The car tried to stop in time and thought the injury was not serious the pedestrian was hurt. I took it as a bad omen.

I notice now as a passenger I don't like cars getting too near, cyclists are problematic, I see so many not follow traffic lights, motorcycles don't ride on the correct side and out of experience, pedestrian don't look.

In the end when I was 26 I finally did it. Booked some lessons did about 6 hours of driving and it was a manual car. I just froze at a roundabout. I kept zoning out in my last lesson and I stopped driving.

I live in London and I find the roads so hard and I think I have a lot of anxiety towards it. I got depressed in the middle and have this thing where I don't think I'd ever get married because I don't have a license, I get judged for this a lot. Most of the time it's from people who don't know me so I shrug it off but my negative thoughts get amplified, that if I don't get a license, I don't deserve to be married or have kids, how can I look after them and drive them around or get to them.

It's ridiculous I think that. I often never asks for lifts ever. I dont expect people to drive me around because I don't particularly enjoy car journeys I end up praying the whole time we don't get into a crash and my heart beats so fast. Even when I see car accidents I still get shaky. My last instructor did emphasise that I was good and picking up on things fast, I did tell her I have anxiety towards driving and I felt in control of the car once I got the basics it's the fact I froze and zoned out and still feel anxious.

It's a bit of a long one but does anyone know how to get over it? I don't feel as anxious when the driver is someone I don't know. Like I don't get anxious on a bus. I barely use taxis or Ubers but when I have I feel like I'm distracted because I don't know the driver so I feel fine being fixated on my phone or so maybe it's because I don't see the road I don't feel as anxious.