GROWTH DISPARITY
After my last relationship ended sometime early last year I decided fuck it nikakua Father Abraham. Anyway after months of depression, drugs and mindless sex (and I mean I could "eat" anything), I snapped myself out of it and decided to step up. Man the motivation exes give us, I'm thinking of dating for the sole purpose of a heartbreak. Anyway, I digress.
Now it's been 4ish months and things look brighter. Na hapo ndio saitan hutokea.
Jana receive a call just before leaving work from an "ex" from my crashing out period. We were off and on for those months but I ghosted everyone. She had whiny crying voice (girls know this pulls at our heartstrings like mad) saying she had missed me. She was clearly drunk and highly emotional. I was like cool. Meet me after work. Now mark you this was just pure mechi coz our first time we broke the bed, literally.
Anyway, I was back home by 6. Did some chores, bought groceries started watching Ted Lasso. Knock comes at 10. And she walks in absolutely smashed. Staggering and "heffing" like hell. My dick disappeared behind my balls. Right then she takes off her trousers AT THE DOOR, struggling and almost tipping over. Waltzes in the toilet, pisses, then comes back takes her panties at the bedpost and climbs the bed with just a shirt on na kukaa kama waswahili. Now mind you I'm stone cold sober so this feels like bad dream. Now when she sat hivyo I was hit by that fish smell. And now my balls fell off, figuratively.
I decided to just cook nikampea. She tried for almost two hours for me to join her in bed but utaambiaje mtu ananuka ikus plus she might have fallen in the shower had I suggested, or worse asked me to shower with her. The old me would be drunk and/or high and wouldn't even register. And that's who she remembers. I tucked her in and told her I have a few episodes left I'll join her later. Anyway I slept on the couch.
Now it's Friday morning, I have an off day but amelala bado (or pretending to). I'm scared to wake her coz she's always agressive for sex. Ukikataa atakuomba akushikeshike for hours mpaka umpee ndio aachane na wewe. Now my plan is to fully change and nimuamshe nimshow natoka naenda job (doesn't know I'm off). Tuendanishe. I dread this convo.
Wadau mnisaidie.
Edit: A few things I left out.
She came and literally lit a cig on my bed and even after giving her a cup to put the ash in she dropped it all over the bed and carpet. I was livid. Then proceeded to throw the cig butt ON THE CARPET. Hapo I spoke up and almost lost it.
I had some rice in the fridge nikatoa nikaeka kwa counter for warming later. Found it in the trash. Without even consulting me she decided it was spoilt. I think hapo she noticed I checked out.
ONTO THE UPDATE:
Well it went better than expected. I got fully dressed and tapped her to get ready as I had to go to work. I then left to take some clothes to the tailor, you know, avoiding seeing her. By the time I was back she was dressed. WEARING MY NEW SWEATSHIRT. In my socks and sweatpants. Nguo zake ameeka kwa bag. Nilimuachia the rest but my sweatshirt ain't walking.
Nikamshow I need to clean up before leaving (which I usually do if I have time) and that I'll be seeing her around (hope not).
PARTING WORDS:
"Sasa mbona hukunidinya jana" Silence
"Sasa mbona nilikuja hii njia yote..." Silence
"Okay see you" "Yeah, bye"
Anyway that's it for today ladies and gentlemen. Till next time.
PS: I'm a writer (not academic but creative) and performance artist. So reach out if you or your loved ones need some entertainment. CIAO!