Gang Raped by guys I trusted.

⚠️Trigger Warning: SA

I (19F) was gang raped by 4 guys and am feeling disassociated. At first I thought I was experiencing shock/numbness but it’s been 48 hours and I still can’t seem to cry/scream/feel anything now that’s it’s over. They were supposed to drive me home but instead parked in a lot and violently assaulted me both individually and as a group effort. During the rape I did cry and scream and beg for it to stop. I said no, I tried to push them off of me, I tried to keep them from forcing my legs open and release from them holding me down and nothing worked. I was hysterical towards the end and in a sick way it seemed to excite them more so eventually I just laid there until they had enough and let me have my clothes back. Eventually they dropped me off and I got into my bed crying. But now that it’s over I realized I feel like I just experienced my worst nightmare or at least one of the top things that a woman could/would fear of happening, yet it happened and now I’m just here unsure of how to process it. I’m in so much pain. I feel disgusting, worthless, used and emotionally empty. But beyond the physical pain and soreness and shame I just feel extremely “blank” or “meh” if that makes sense. They are all friends with my best friends older brother (which is why I accepted the ride home) so I don’t feel like I can share this with her and just needed to vent somewhere.