After mild trauma I feel like less of a person

This week has had a lot or trauma triggers from a situation a year ago. But I think what has been most devastating is realizing I'm too scared to do things I want. There is a musical touring, and an Orchestra concert that sounds amazing going on in the city where the abuse took place. But I'm too scared. I'm scared of running into anyone from the church involved in my abuse. I missed a volenteer opportunity because I was so scared of seeing someone from that church I was just sobbing uncontrollably.

But I also am handicapped in the small town I moved back to where I grew up. I went to a coffee shop (my favorite space in this small town I moved to) and overheard someone talk about a sermon, and almost threw up. Had to leave before I got my coffee. Was shaken up the next time I walked in. There are churches on about every corner. Even seeing a stupid coffee maker can be a trigger.

My little town is also super religious. So is my family. So are all the old friends I have. Honestly, so are the reasons for living I had and morals and values and purpose I felt.

I feel my world getting smaller and smaller, and I just feel like less of a person now. I feel small and not valuable. I feel pathetic. I don't know the right words.

I have a therapist, but honestly once a week is barely enough. I have a few friends I can talk to, but I think I have exhausted them, and I don't want to hurt them more. I'm also just not a good friend right now.

I just wish I could shrivel up as small as I feel. I hardly feel like a real person anymore. Just a pathetic shell of who I used to be.

If you want to hate on me, weirdly I welcome it. I hate on myself, lol. It's be nice to have some validation in that hate. I just want to get smaller and smaller in hopes that no one sees me anymore. Then they will all be happy without me. That's all less-than-a-person is good for.