My Theory of Sexual Security

I have watched male and female interactions all my life, whether they be platonic or romantic and one thing always struck me as unusual in that men seem to openly crave sex a lot more than women. To this the feminist narrative finds a lot of reasons some of which i accept to be true and just. One being that reproductive burden is greater on women and so they are likely to be pickier about who they have sex with and also that slut-shaming is a real problem in countries with a conservative culture such as asian countries. It is also true that the underlying biological incentive for both genders are different in that for the male, the incentive lies in spreading their genes with as many females as possible whereas for the female the biological incentive lies in choosing the best quality genetics for their offspring and choosing a mate that minimises the chance of infant mortality by providing personal, social and economic security for the offspring.

The idea of the theory of sexual security lies with the fact that females are secure in the fact that they can have sex anytime they wish regardless of whether they are in a monogamous relationship or not whereas males lack this security and are willing to have sex with women who they’d otherwise find unattractive due to physical or character traits unappealing to them with the underlying rationale being that “any sex is better than no sex”. This leads to the question of whether the same kind of desperation would be seen in men if they knew they could have sex whenever they wanted, or in other words- if men had sexual security.

At this point i’d like to provide the example of asking a homeless person if they’d like a pineapple pizza. A homeless person lacks food security and so even if they may not enjoy pineapple on their pizza they’re likely to accept the offer to food because any food is better than going hungry. A person who is food secure may accept or deny this proposal based on their preferences for pizzas or pineapples on it because they know that they have the option to eat what they like, when they like.

What causes this sexual insecurity in men is another interesting question to delve into, is it the fact that women are sexually secure and so their sexual insecurity causes men to be sexually unsecured? Or are their other reasons for sexual insecurity such as male loneliness and the emotional starvation that men are subject to since childhood and in the ways they are socialised where the only form of acceptable emotional expression of affection is sexual and with a person of the opposite gender?

My theory of sexual security states that men don’t crave sex as much as they crave sexual security and once that security is achieved, men exhibit behavior similar to women with regards to who they choose to have sex with, men are less likely to engage in risky behaviours to have sex or have sex with women they find unattractive. Examples of this include men in happy relationships not seeking sex outside the relationship and the frequency of sex decreasing as the happy relationship ages over the years. Examples also include men availing sex services not to have sex with the prostitutes but to share their ideas and talk about their emotions with prostitutes. The desire to have sex outside the marriage dwindles significantly in men married happily due to the sexual security they have that they can have sex with their wives when they like and that having sex outside the marriage or relationship has adverse effects on their family, partner and most importantly their conscience which seems to not be a factor that sexually insecure men take into consideration.

The theory of sexual security states, in a nutshell, that men don’t crave sex but in-fact crave sexual and emotional security, this could be due to women having sexual security which leads to men not having aforementioned security or due to the gender stereotypes that force men to grow socialized in certain ways that are unhealthy for their emotional well being. The theory further states that a man’s desire to have sex dwindles as he gains this security and he exhibits behavior similar to women in that he is picky with regards to who he has sex with since he can have sex when he wants, so he can now have the liberty to filter who he wants to have sex with and who he doesn’t.

This theory is very much in its infancy and is merely and idea at this point. I’d like to invite opposing and supporting views for this theory.