Heartbreak

My (35m) fiance (33 they/them) and I are splitting. We currently live together, so it's a little awkward currently. We both still love each other a lot, but this was their decision (L Post). We're both kinda codependent, but I think they are most of the issue re: that particular point. Not going to share the lurid details.

We had been Internet friends for almost a decade before we started seeing each other (they lived 1.5 hours away). Both had recently (within the last month) had gotten out of toxic long term relationships and kinda jumped into this one, head over heels for each other. We never had the time to figure out who we were before getting into our relationship post previous break up, so there were a lot of communication issues and raw feelings.

They've (yes, a they/them) asked to remain friends and still see each other a few times a week, but with some separation (ask before any intimate touching, hand holding etc), keeping texting limited to light hearted stuff, with a little venting occasionally as a treat.

I'm still feeling a little raw, and some stuff has happened recently that have made me think/feel things that I'm kinda ashamed of. They recently started talking to one of their exes (he's over 1k miles away) and video calling him when I'm home. Previously they had been no contact. They didn't tell me that they had been talking to their ex until the day after the breakup, so it had been ongoing for at minimum a week before they broke things off with me. I came home yesterday and I heard a dudes voice on the phone when I opened the door, and by the time I walked across the house they had already hung up the phone, so I did the thing I shouldn't have and asked them who they were talking to. "A friend". Feels really bad. But I'm really trying not to get too upset about it bc they have been isolating themselves for like 8 months now (they claim they are not depressed, just autistic/ADHD) and in the midst of the breakup they are trying to reconnect with old friends (imo they are all male orbiters, my ex fiance is very attractive, Goth, thin, etc and only have male friends really outside of a couple people).

My family and friends (besides my mom) keep telling me that trying to be friends isn't going to work, that it's just asking for hurt feelings, arguments, and accusations. We have both told each other that we have no intention of seeing other people for a year, and the plan currently is to work on ourselves for a few months while not putting any focus on our relationship, and discuss the possibility of dating again in a couple months.

I spent all day yesterday crying, even at work (thankfully I manage a lab and have a private back room) and was basically inconsolable all day. Today has been easier, but it's still painful. I've found an apartment, but I won't be able to move in until the 8th of February. They still want to sleep in the same bed, and talk and have dinner together in the interim though.

IDK. It's just a weird situation and I know there isn't a right way to do this exactly. I'm still very deeply in love with them, but they need to get their shit right. I've basically done all of the chores, cooking/cleaning, and taken care of their cats for the better part of a year, and I know a lot of our issues were due to my resentment of them not helping at all despite pleading with them on many occasions to help me. So my hope is that with a bit of time they'll become less codependent, and some of these issues that we're having will resolve due to them feeling better about being a person. I'd also like some time to not have to care for and clean up after another person, and get back into the gym more often and start painting again.

I want this to be positive for both of us, but I can't handle the idea that they're gone forever from my life, bc that could be a very real possibility. They company they work for isn't doing well, but they have a pretty high paying job. If they lose it, they will definitely be moving back down South to live with their family again. Not sure how to handle this bit I guess. I'm trying to be mature about it and not hope for a life together again one day, because it's very possible that it's just not in the cards, but it's hard to handle right now.

Anyway, thanks for reading my diary post.