How can one even continue living? A vent, a question and a cry for help.

This post will be in three parts: Before and Now and The Reason (for writing post). It will start neutral or even humorous and get progressively more hopeless. You can start at any part, but might loose some context if you skip parts. This is also my first long post on reddit, so I might make some flair mistakes or something.
[CW: Mental health struggles, mentions of suicidal thoughts]

Before

I have always had a strange fixation on how my eyes work.

When I was six, I noticed BFEP for the first time. It happened in a hospital bathroom, and I was terrified—I thought I had invisible "worms" on my hands. When I got home, I spent an hour desperately trying to wash them off. Even now, I still see them whenever I look at a bright, flat surface.

At thirteen, I experienced multiple migraines with aura, which caused temporary loss of large parts of my peripheral vision. Each time, I was horrified, and the episodes left me increasingly paranoid. Eventually, even the suspicion of it happening again would trigger a panic attack. Over time, this developed into a deep-seated fear of losing my sight in any way.

During puberty, I began noticing vertical ghosting in both eyes. I vividly remember playing Assassin's Creed: Revelations (or was it Brotherhood?) late at night. Suddenly, the subtitles on the screen "doubled." I barely managed to suppress a panic attack, ran to bed, and prayed that the ghosting would disappear by morning. It didn’t. Over time, though, I realized that if I held my upper eyelids slightly lower, the ghosting would diminish to the point of almost vanishing. I thought to myself, If it stays like this, I can live with it. And so, I did.

Around the same time, I also developed floaters. But after a couple of weeks of them doing nothing particularly alarming, I stopped paying attention to them. My brain eventually followed suit.

After experiencing multiple migraines, I visited several ophthalmologists and neurologists and underwent an MRI. Nothing particularly abnormal was found, and everyone chalked it up to "a puberty thing" that probably wouldn’t happen again. Being a child, I was happy to accept that answer and continued living. For the next ten years, nothing happened.

Now

At 23, I am a careful and relatively particular person—definitely a scaredy-cat. Though I am not religious, I do pray to the Lord when things feel overwhelming. I don’t drink alcohol, smoke, or consume energy drinks or coffee, and I’ve never taken any drugs. While I have some serious OCD traits, I don’t believe I have the disorder itself. On the other hand, I do have a diagnosed health anxiety.

My life revolves entirely around the computer. I work, study, and relax online. Some might find this lifestyle sad, but I absolutely love it. I enjoy playing fast-paced video games, watching shows, movies, cartoons, anime, and live streams of artists at work. I’m passionate about fine arts, 3D sculpting, and digital creativity. This is my life, and I’m perfectly content not being an astronaut or a world-class athlete.

The beginning of winter was rough. I slept little, ate even less, avoided exercise, and dealt with stress, occasional vertigo, and headaches. Then, on December 15, 2024—exactly a month ago—I experienced my first migraine with aura in ten years. It felt like a cruel joke from God or a nightmare resurrected from the past. When I felt parts of my peripheral vision disappearing I immediately fell into a panic attack, and honestly psychologically reversed into that 13 years old crying kid with shaking hands and trembling voice. I'm sure I scared everyone in the apartment in that moment. In around 30-40 minutes my peripheral eyesight returned and I tried to relax. Then I did some stretching. And after putting the slightest pressure on my body a temporary vision loss happened again. I would honestly laugh if I could.

The very next day, I visited an ophthalmologist and a neurologist. I underwent an MRI, electroencephalography, an eye OCT, and even checked for diabetes. It was very, very expensive, but everything came back normal.

In the past month there were no migraines. Which is good! But my health anxiety has returned, and for the first time in my life, it’s dialed to an extreme level. Which is bad. To explain how severe it can get, here are some examples: Once, I became convinced I had a sinus infection, and the belief was so strong that it caused actual physical pain. Another time, just two weeks ago, I was terrified that my heart might stop if I fell asleep (And so I physically couldn't fall asleep for two days straight). In both cases, I visited doctors, underwent the necessary tests, and was reassured that I was perfectly fine. In both cases, the symptoms vanished literally the next day.

The return of literally the biggest horror made me recheck every single "weirdness" I had before.

And I found out that the ghosting has gotten worse. Now, instead of being just vertical the image also splits a bit to the side. Which doesn't sound that bad, bad at a distance actually lowers my eyesight really hard. The worst part is that I don't know if it gotten worse in the last 10 years, or in the last month, after a migraine.

The Reason

Finally, the reason I’m writing this post: I think I might be developing illusory palinopsia. About a week after experiencing a migraine (roughly a month ago), I started noticing something that I felt was unusual. Sudden hand movements seemed to leave faint trails in my peripheral vision. At first, I dismissed it, thinking, "It’s nothing significant—just objects on contrasting backgrounds causing motion blur." However, I was already anxious, and this added to my concerns, so I began paying closer attention.

A quick search on the internet led me to discover palinopsia, and that’s when the paranoia started. I won’t lie—I became hyper-focused on it. I began scrutinizing every lamp, light, or bright object, analyzing whether they left trails. If I stared directly at an object, it wouldn’t leave a trail. However, if I moved my eyes sharply to the left or right, a trail would appear, originating from the object’s previous position and stretching to its new one. This trail moved in a clear direction.

For the past month, this fixation has consumed me. I’ve barely worked, avoided watching movies or shows, didn't listen to any music and stopped playing games—terrified of noticing something "off." I’ve spent hours staring at reflective objects in my room, moving my eyes so quickly and sharply that they sometimes hurt.

When I go outside, I can’t resist sharply shifting my gaze to see if streetlamps or car lights leave trails—and they always do. When I move my eyes, a bright “silhouette” lingers momentarily, traveling in the direction my eyes moved. Agonizingly, there is literally no information on the internet that tells you if you should have it, or for how long it should stay. At night, streetlights create trails, each disappearing after the silhouette catches up to the light that generated it. Curiously, the time it takes for these silhouettes to disappear is consistent across different lights.

When I slowly move my finger, watching behind it on a contrasting black surface I can see bluish silhouette moving behind it.

At some point I noticed that the black objects on contrasting backgrounds leave trails, or silhouettes too, even though it's far harder to notice them. But, as I said before, I had a lot of time to practice.

Interestingly, I recall experiencing some level of light "trailing" before. About two years ago, I consciously noticed that bright lights—like my phone’s screen at night—left trails when I moved it quickly. So, either I’ve always had this to some extent, it began before the migraine, or it’s normal to a degree.

Now, I wake up in a cold sweat every day, keeping my eyes closed until I absolutely have to open them. Each day I am afraid that I will look at something and I will notice clear silhouettes or afterimages.

Worse still, I... think... it might be getting worse? Over the last three weeks, the silhouettes became sharper and linger longer. If I move something slowly—around 15 cm per second—through my peripheral vision, it leaves a silhouette moving at the same speed. I can see this with my finger against a black background or my mouse cursor on my computer screen. This can’t just be motion blur because the movement is slow and deliberate.

And then I found this subreddit. At first I was happy that I found people finally describing something that kind of sounds like what I might have. But now I will admit that I wish I've never found it. It just feels so... hopeless.

If you really do have Palinopsia? Congratulations, there is no cure! Can it get worse? It can stay benign, it can flare up and down depending on the situation, and it can simply progressively get worse! Try your luck! Can anyone help you? Nope! You will not get any help from the government for it's not recognized as a real disease! And even if you were extremely privileged, born in Singapore or Japan, even their doctors wouldn't be able to help you! Is there anything I can do with it? Yes, of course! You can *cope*.

And I am scared. I am scared, I am horrified, I am petrified. I just can't accept it, can't deal with even the thought that this could be happening. Just because of one migraine my whole LIFE might be gone. My mother saw me the other day and said I looked like someone who’d been told they have a terminal illness and is trying to come to terms with it. What she doesn’t know is how close she is to describing exactly how I feel. My optometrist told me that I worry too much, that people loose limbs, loose minds, get horrible infections, and compared to that, I'm fine.

But this is my LIFE. This is my niche in this world. I don't mind being blue collar, having below average wage as long as I can enjoy it the way I want. I HAVE what makes me complete. And as f*****g pathetic as it sounds its a computer, computer games and digital animation. Hell, I even had an aspiration of becoming an animator! In November of last year, I went into debt to buy the computer I’d dreamed of my entire life. I was so happy that day. I thought, "I don’t care if I have to eat watery soup for the next three months—this is worth it." And it was.

Now the suicidal thoughts have started creeping in, no matter how hard I try to fight them. I am not a strong person, never was. To make things worse, I can’t even take antidepressants because they carry the risk of triggering or worsening vision issues, and I’m too afraid to take that chance. And if what was happening the last 3 weeks really... this, and if it really was getting progressively worse. And if it would continue, I would well, end it? There is no real way to sugarcoat it really.

I feel like I have been put on a timer. How much time do I have left? A month? A year? A decade? I want to live, but I have one thing I love, a very simple thing, and if I were to loose it, in addition to the ways to make money and support my parents, I won't be able to take it, Lord forgive me.

Next Wednesday, I’m meeting with a neuro-ophthalmologist—one of only four in the capital. I literally pray for that 25% chance, hoping this is all just a fluke, that my eyes are simply tired, and my health anxiety is spiraling out of control. I’ll share whatever I find out from the doctor sometime next week.

Frankly I don't know what this post is supposed to be. A question about palinopsia? A way to get some thoughts or an advice? A way to share my experience? Either way I'm spent, but I'm more than willing to hear anyone's thoughts. Just, you know, be kind? We're all human after all.