Friend didn’t invite us to her wedding, and didn’t have the guts to come clean

Here for some petty wedding drama? I got you. Buckle up.

This happened years ago. I had (I thought) a good college friend. We’ll call her Anna. We were in a tight knit study group of four girls who used to hang out with each other a lot, both together and individually. We did choir and yoga together, studied together, visited galleries, did dinners, coffee dates and parties, talked about boys and friends and hardships and hopes. This went on for years and continued after we graduated. All to say, it was fair to assume we would have a place at each other's weddings, as we had a significant place in each other's lives.

Anna and I used to go on long walks and discuss our lives and everything in it. Our talks would get really deep and personal (on both sides), and we were very supportive of each other. I considered us close. When she got engaged, I was elated for her and excited to go to her wedding with the rest of the group.

Well, on one of our walks, the talk turned to wedding stuff. She was being evasive, and at length I realised why: The wedding was planned, invites had gone out, and I was not invited. Neither were the other girls. This may be controversial, but I said: “Oh! I'm so sorry, I just assumed I would be invited.”

Anna got very apologetic, said the wedding party was very small and ranking your friends to find out who was invited was a terrible feeling. She had been thinking of different ways to involve us; for instance, another girl in our group, Jennifer, was very into fashion, so she wanted Jennifer to help her find a wedding dress, and that way she would be a part of the wedding even though she wouldn’t go.

Alright. Fair enough. I said don’t worry about it and don’t feel bad, it’s your wedding, I totally understand, etc. But on reflection I still felt sore that she didn’t have the guts to let me know up front, but left me to figure it out for myself. Like, she didn’t even think that I would think I was invited… I faced the uncomfortable truth that we were probably not as close as I thought. I decided to distance myself and move on.

End of drama, right? Wrong. Months pass, and I meet up with Jennifer. Jennifer and I are probably the least close of the group, but we like each other just fine. We have a drink, catch up. And then Jennifer shares something upsetting: She has seen on Instagram that Anna’s bachelorette party came and went. Jennifer is confused about why she wasn’t invited. “Who are any of these people?” she asks me. “Who the hell planned this thing? Why didn’t they know who to invite?”

Now I’m in an uncomfortable position, as you might imagine. “Are you going to the wedding?” I ask.

“Yes!” says Jennifer. “I'm the one who has been helping Anna pick out a wedding dress.”

“But did you get an invite?”

“No, not yet,” says Jennifer.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Anna had, as planned, asked Jennifer to help her find a fashionable wedding dress… but as with me, it had been left to Jennifer to figure out for herself that she was not, in fact, invited. The two of them had spent HOURS AND HOURS together looking at and discussing options, and not at any point had Anna thought to say, “Hey, by the way, this wedding you're helping me with right now? Yeah, you're not invited.” No, I got to deliver that happy news to Jennifer then and there, including that this had been Anna’s plan for Jennifer’s involvement all along. Jennifer was understandably very upset.

The cherry on top? A day before her wedding, Anna very kindly sent us all a link to livestream the event, in case we just couldn’t bear to miss it. Completely oblivious.

Edit: Thank you for all your comments and for taking part in my righteous anger. This has been cathartic, and a little sad.

A lot of people have asked about the state of our friendship today. I write about it here and there in the comments. Essentially, this mess was the start of us drifting apart, or else it was a painful culmination to something I hadn't noticed, I don't know. Today we are casual acquaintances who text or send a picture every now and again. We have a meaningful, shared history, but people move on, and we are all in different places – mentally and geographically. The only one I still cross paths with in real life is Jennifer. We are still very different people, but she's great. It's just odd. The college friends I felt most close to are not the ones who stuck around.